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Here are my top conversational pet peeves, in no particular order:

1. Using questions to introduce opinions: “Did you like that movie? I think it was pretty lame. Only idiots would like it.” Sure, it starts out looking like the speaker cares for my thoughts, but the question is a hoax. The speaker doesn’t give a fig for my opinion, which, by itself, is fine – the example would be harmless without the phony question. But why the pretense? A leading question (ie. “You didn’t like that stupid movie, did you?”) ups the annoyance quotient.

2. Finger quotes: Noticed this recently during Bible study of all places. Whatever the original intent, finger quotes now appear to be senselessly overused by men in their 20s (the culprits who inspired this portion of the rant) to communicate everything from irony to slight emphasis. I understand what it means to be convicted by the Holy Spirit of sin. I have no idea what it means to be “convicted” by the “Holy Spirit” of “sin.”

3. “Not necessarily”: What does this mean??!! “Do you think it’s right that they removed the feeding tube?” “Not necessarily.” Let your Yes be Yes and your No be No. Or say you don’t know, or that you haven’t made up your mind yet. Or say anything that actually means something.

4. Shortcut to intimacy: The mechanism I have in mind is talking about romantic relationships, practiced mostly in female circles, both to overcome the awkwardness of getting to know someone new and of reconnecting with a now-distant friend. It’s about as appropriate as asking to see the tax returns of someone you don’t know very well.

5. Draining the pool: The mechanism I have in mind is talking about bodily functions and odors, practiced mostly by (again) men in their 20s. Conversation getting a little too deep? Getting to know someone or becoming known a little too well? Fart. Talk about poop. Pretend you smell something. Laugh and run away.

6. Hijacking:
“The mugger cut me and there was blood all over my clothes…”
“Yeah, bleeding sucks. One time, I got a nosebleed at this party cus I got totally drunk and walked into a wall, and this guy came over, and we ended up going out, and he bought me a puppy…”

Someone else has the floor and a total non-sequitur would be rude. But making a non-existent connection is no better! Please wait for an actual opening. In all likelihood, you won’t die before you get a chance to share your fascinating story.

7. Performing for the crowd: In public places, it would seem to make sense to talk more quietly, because others can overhear or be disturbed by your conversation. Some people, though, believe the world is a stage, that they are stars, that strangers are audience members. These people don’t realize that most strangers are not reality-TV scouts, but are just regular people trying to carry their own conversations or enjoy some quiet, that they are watching out of disdain rather than interest.

8. Chronic panhandling: “Gosh, I look so fat in these pants.” I’m all for humorous self-deprecation, and I’ve had my share of bad-hair and fat-pants days when I fish for affirmation. But repeat offenders cross the line into manipulation. Honestly, if you think you look fat in those pants, don’t wear them out of the house. Certainly don’t point it out for everyone. And this is especially unforgivable if you actually look great in your pants and you’re whining to someone having an actual fat-pants day.

9. Disclaimers: I’m not sure whether lawyers or political correctness is to blame, but I’ve heard 2-minute disclaimers preceding 20-second comments in casual conversations amongst friends. I am guilty of this. I wanted to preface this entry by explaining that I’m not talking about anyone in particular, that I really am a nice person, that I know I’m guilty of most, if not all, of what I’ve described, etc. (Even now, I recognize I’m slipping in a disclaimer.) It is impossible to avoid offense in such a diverse culture, even amongst friends who try their best. So speak and forgive freely! If you’re really concerned about offending someone, feel free not to share your thoughts!

10. “Did I ever tell you…”: If you feel the need to preface a story with these five words, chances are that, yeah... You probably did tell me. Six times. At least. Please acquire new life experiences before speaking again.